Beautiful Cooking With The Count
by Rika
Summary: A short Bastard!! parody fanfiction based on an old joke by Darshu@Distant Shores.


  
BEAUTIFUL COOKING WITH THE COUNT: A BASTARD!! PARODY FANFIC  
  
by Rika ( http://tnt.dynodns.net/~rika/ Get my email from here if you want  
it. )  
  
  
Station Identification:  
  
Welcome to channel KRBS: Public Access Television. Coming up at 10 is the  
Admire Dark Schneider Hour. Now, stay tuned for Beautiful Cooking with the  
Count...  
  
*cheesy morning cooking show intro music plays while camera pans across a  
kitchen.*  
  
*In big, bold letters, the title Beautiful Cooking With The Count displays*  
  
*A panicky werewolf comes on set from stage left*  
  
"Ahh...good morning! Good morning! Welcome to Beautiful Cooking! Our,  
ah, host..is still getting ready offstage, and should be with us shortly...  
I hope."  
  
*Camera cuts to a bathroom, where Di-Amon is busily primping in front of a  
mirror. Cuts back to kitchen.*  
  
*The werewolf is fidgeting like mad in front of stovecounter, occassionally  
throwing glances offstage.*  
  
"In the meantime...let's get started. Today, we're going to show you how  
to prepare and make Roast Knight Commander. Can we bring in our meat,  
please?"  
  
*Another pair of werewolves drag in a trussed, struggling Bon Jovina, then  
depart.*  
  
"Release me, vile monsters! I, Bon Jovina, shall slay you for this  
indignity!"  
  
*The werewolf clocks him one over the head.*  
  
"Ahem...now then. The first step in preparing Roast Knight Commander, is  
to properly tenderize your meat...observe.."  
  
*The former two werewolves return to the set, and begin to pummel Bon  
Jovina mercilessly.*  
  
"Ahh...my knight's honor..!" *passes out*  
  
*The speaking one continues.*  
  
"As you can see, sometimes the course can take a lot of punishment before  
rendered properly tender and cookable. Once it is, however, the second  
step.."  
  
*Di-Amon leaps onto the set, causing the werewolf to hastily back off from  
counter.*  
  
"The most ELEGANT!"  
  
*Camera pans to a closer view*  
  
"The most INTELLIGENT!"  
  
*Camera spins to a side view, pans back a bit*  
  
"The most BEAUTIFUL!"  
  
*Camera spins all the way around, and ends up back in front again*  
  
"The most POWERFUL COOK in the world! DI-AMON!"  
  
*Di-Amon's quite a sight. Instead of wearing a cloak, he's got a piyo-piyo  
cooking apron and cook's hat on.*  
  
"You. Trying to take over my show? Only I, the world's most beautiful  
cook, could host this show! How dare you try to upstage me!"  
  
*The werewolf is messily cleaved with an Assassin eyebeam attack, and the  
camera pans back to the count as the body slumps and falls.*  
  
"Ahh...my most intelligent viewers. Forget this travesty to your delicate  
senses! Knight Commander makes a most ugly setting, so away with this  
weakling, ignoble creature!"  
  
*Di-Amon *PUNTS* Bon Jovina offstage.*  
  
"Bring in today's TRUE course!"  
  
*The same two werewolves as before, this time drag in a kicking and fussing  
Yohko, who does not look at -all- happy with her guest spot.*  
  
"Damn it, I'm NOT going through this again! Let go of me, you..."  
  
"Ahhhhh..hehehehe. My most delectable little morsel. This, dear viewers,  
is what you shall learn how to partake of today. A sweet, pure, innocent  
virgin! Most scrumptuous to the lips!"  
  
*A tottering zombie with a 'Serve the Cook!' apron on brings in a large  
stewpot, and sets it on the stove.*  
  
"As any nobleman could tell you, virgins taste even better after they've  
had a good meal. In this pot, lies the most delicious stew ever conceived  
in the civilized world! For you, my beauty, we shall cook this flavorsome  
delight!"  
  
*Yohko makes a disgusted, 'Gimmie a Break...' face.*  
  
*Dark Schneider bursts onto the set in a rage, and socks the Count one in  
the gut.*  
  
"Ugggh!"  
  
"You ugly monkey! What the hell do you think you're doing to Yohko?!"  
  
*Yohko's expression is one of endearing awe at her 'saviour'...*  
  
"Don't you know I'M the only one who has the privilege of 'eating' her?!"  
  
*...which quickly drops into a grumpy frown, and then one of indignity.*  
  
"What's this you're talking, Luche?!"  
  
*Arshes wanders casually onto the set, and takes a peek into the stewpot.*  
  
"Whew... what is this, dirty bathwater? This is giving the ghost cohort a  
bad name..."  
  
*Dark Schneider and Di-Amon are busily yelling at eachother and duking it  
out in the meanwhile, while an angry Yohko looks on and occassionally  
insults one of them. Gara sneaks on the set sometime in the interim and  
begins looting the cabinets of things like Oreo packages.*  
  
*Arshes dumps out the stewpot and starts cheerfully putting togather  
ingredients for her own creation. The fighting continues, the looting  
stops - as Gara's already cleaned the place out of snacks and left all  
the cabinets open. The 'dead' werewolf from earlier, split almost in  
half and still bleeding heavily, stands demurely in front of the camera's  
view.*  
  
"And that's all for today's show, folks... please come...oww, damn this  
hurts...back tommorow for more 'Beautiful Cooking With the Count'...  
ugggh..."  
  
*As the werewolf falls over, and all the shouting in the chaotic scene  
behind him is, a curtain falls down over the whole thing, and the TV cuts  
to station ID.*  
  



End file.
